


The Ties That Bind

by IvanW



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: All Roads Lead to Spirk, Bonding, Brothers, Family Bonding, First Time, Friendship/Love, Healthy Mother-Son Relationship, Kid but not a Kid Fic, Kirks, M/M, Post-Star Trek Beyond, Riverside, Romance, Some Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-06
Updated: 2019-06-10
Packaged: 2019-06-22 14:02:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 13,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15583542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: While the Enterprise is built, Jim goes home to Riverside to reconnect with his mother and brother.





	1. Got a Ticket to My Destination

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kbeth6650](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kbeth6650/gifts).



Today all hope is lost.

Not that I ever really had any. I learned long ago that hope was for others whose last names weren’t Kirk.

Today Spock came to me to advise his commanding officer that he and Uhura were planning on officially bonding on New Vulcan prior to the launch of the new Enterprise.

They had reconciled after the events of Altamid and their connection was now deeper than ever.

I wished them well and declined to attend the intimate ceremony, advising that I had plans of my own, spending time with my mother in Riverside.

I departed on the next transport ship leaving Yorktown for Earth.

Bones had joined me, not with the intention of going to Iowa, but to make his own uncomfortable journey of spending time with his daughter in Georgia. We were both solemn and quiet.

We departed each other’s company, temporarily, in San Francisco. He would continue on to Savannah on a shuttle and I would continue on to Riverside. If he noticed I held on to him a little longer than I should have, he didn’t comment on it. With promises of keeping in touch, I got on the shuttle without looking back.

I typed a message to Mom, letting her know I was on my way, and she responded right away that she would pick me up. I slept on the shuttle, because there was nothing to do but drink or sleep, and my mood was too despondent to drink.

True to her word, she was waiting for me when I got off the shuttle. She looked good. Much better than the last time I had seen her. Less haggard and tired. She’d lost weight and even wore some makeup.

“Hello, darling,” she greeted me, pulling me into her soft embrace. And it was then that I couldn’t help it, couldn’t keep it in even one minute more. The tears fell. “Oh, Jim. It’ll be all right.”

I nodded and pulled back, wiping my eyes.

She smiled. “I have all your favorites planned for dinner. All homemade. None of this replicated crap.”

“You didn’t have to do all that,” I mock protested. Because I was glad she had and we both knew it.

She linked her arm in mine as we left the shuttle bay for her hover car.

“I have another surprise for you.”

“Uh-oh.”

“It isn’t bad,” she assured me. “Or I don’t think it is. Sam’s coming at the end of the week.”

My steps faltered. “Sam?”

Mom bit her lip. “I know you haven’t seen him since—”

“He took off and left me alone with Frank when I was thirteen,” I said. “Yeah, trust me, Mom. I know.”

“I want us to reconnect as a family again, Jim. Franks gone, thankfully, and you and I both have time, you before you go back out on the new Enterprise, and when Sam mentioned wanting to see us, how could I say no?”

“ _I_ could have.”

“Jim.” She said my name softly, sadly, and what else could I do but give in?

“Okay. I’ll try, Mom.”

She hugged me again and then grabbed my hand, pulling me to the hover car.

The place looked pretty much the same since I’d last seen it. From the outside anyway. I know Mom had made some changes inside, as she’d told me during one of our conversations a few months back.

The farmhouse had belonged to Mom’s parents. Dad had never lived in it. Mom inherited it after her folks had died and that was after Dad was killed. During Mom’s marriage to Frank, he had decided it belonged to him. I recalled many times when he referred to it as “my house”.

While I was gone, on Tarsus IV, Frank had a massive heart attack in the yard here by the barn. He didn’t die then, but he became incapacitated, and Mom had placed him in a care facility for the remainder of his days located in Sioux City. I had never visited him there. Shortly after our battle with Khan, Frank finally left this world. Neither Mom nor I mourned.

“Everything looks the same from here,” I commented.

“It definitely is out here. I thought about changing around the back porch a little, maybe covering it or something, but haven’t gotten around to it.”

I smiled faintly. When I came back from Tarsus, Mom and I spent an evening out there on that porch, smoking cigars of all things. It was an effort at bonding. It mostly worked, I think. “I can probably help you with that while I’m here.”

I figured unless Starfleet bugged me, I’d stick around Riverside with Mom until the Enterprise was ready.

“Maybe the three of us together,” she said, as she led the way up from the car to the side door. We’d never used the front door as long as I remembered. It was a big monstrosity of a door facing out toward a group of thick trees. It was always kept locked. Nobody that ever came to the house came that way either, as if by some kind of mutual agreement.

She flicked on an old fashioned switch when we stepped inside. The first thing I noticed was that she’d put in hardwood floors throughout the first floor and one of those big fact cooking islands with a granite top in the kitchen. She’d redone the cabinets too.

“Looks really good.”

She flushed with pride. “Took me forever but I got it done.”

She had reason for her pride, too, for I knew she’d done the work herself. Once Frank was out of our lives, Mom had determined she would be man free for the rest of her life and quite self-sufficient. I was proud of her accomplishments and amazed at her talent.

“You can stay in your old room,” she said then. “Why don’t you go up and get settled and do whatever you need to do. I’ll make a pot of coffee and you can just come down when you’re ready.”

“Great. Thanks, Mom.”

“Jim.”

I turned back around to look at her. She was smiling, a little strained.

“I guess I wanted to say that just because Spock doesn’t love you, it doesn’t mean you’re not worthy. You’re the best person I’ve ever known. Brave and smart and strong. You’ve saved so many people and you’re worth so much.”

“Mom—”

“And you’re cute besides.”

I rolled my eyes.

“Really, really cute.”

“Okay.”

“You’re worth everything, Jim.”

“You have to say that because you’re my mom.” I wondered briefly why I had told her the whole Spock thing, but I guessed if you couldn’t tell your mom about your broken heart then—

“Jim—”

“I’m kidding. I’m all right, Mom. I’ll get over Spock. I’ll get over this. Because I have to. And I want to. It might take some time, but I will.”

She nodded. “Okay.”

I went up the stairs two at a time and then down the hallway to the last room. The minute I pushed the door open I saw she’d made changes here too. The wood floors had been installed here and there was a big fluffy throw rug dotted with the night sky and the stars. It ran from under the bed all the way to the dresser. It made me smile.

She’d also put in a half bath attached to the room with a toilet and a sink. I’d still have to go down the hall to shower, but this was definitely nice.

I flung my suitcase up on to the bed and unzipped it to unpack. I took out my PADD first to send a message to Bones, per my instructions.

_I made it. Not that there was ever any doubt! Mom picked me up and I’m unpacking now. She promises me all my favorites for dinner. She must really think I’m pathetic. Only thought about Sp…you know what? Never mind. King of Wishful Thinking and all that. Hope things are all right with you there and that Jo gave you a great big kiss and hug. Love you, Jim._

Wasn’t even sure why I added that last bit. But whatever. Hit send.

I put the PADD away and then stuffed my clothes into the drawers and hung up some in the closet. Took a leak in the bathroom too.

Then I went over to the window and looked out. Leaning against the glass, I watched the trees and other foliage move in the wind. I could feel the tears threatening but I determinedly pushed them away. Wondered what time it was on New Vulcan and if Spock and Uhura were having dinner with Sarek, all cozy and all.

“Who cares? I don’t.”

I left the room then and went down to have coffee with Mom.


	2. The Celebrated Mr. K

“There’s ice cream in the freezer,” Mom announced as we settled onto the couch swing on the back porch, each of us clutching a glass of red wine.

I groaned and rubbed my stomach. “I seriously couldn’t eat another bite.”

She’d made me her famous meatloaf, mashed potatoes and gravy, Brussels sprouts with sesame seeds and soy sauce, and fresh baked cheese bread. I ate every damn bite.

“You’re going to make me fat.”

“Pish. Whatever you gain you’ll lose the minute you’re back on the ship eating whatever passes for food there.” She sipped her wine. “It’s good that it’s warm tonight. Before you know it, it’s going to get cool.”

I did and I frankly hoped I’d be back on the Enterprise before the snow hit. Or at least on Yorktown making preparations. Snow is beautiful from a distance. Not so fun when you’re shoveling while an asshole screams at you.

The memories of Frank had the question as to why she’d ever bothered with him coming to my tongue, but I firmly pushed it away before it spilled out. We’d already had those conversations. Mom was filled with regrets and there was no real point to punishing her over bad choices made years ago when she was vulnerable. I’d made a few of those myself.

“Penny for your thoughts,” she said softly.

“Just thinking about the old days.”

“How old?”

“Really old. Kid days. Shoveling snow. Shit like that.”

She tensed for a moment, but then took another sip of her wine.

I smiled faintly and gulped mine. “When does the prodigal son arrive?”

“Friday afternoon.”

“Are we planning to cook the fatted calf?”

Mom shrugged. “I’d make all _his_ favorites but to be honest I don’t really know what they are.”

“Considering how long it’s been since he abandoned us, that’s not surprising.”

“Jim.”

“You were off planet, Mom. Being left with just…him. It was damn hard.”

“I know. And then the bastard sent you to Tarsus IV.”

“Well to be fair, the bastard didn’t have a clue what would happen there.”

“I don’t want to be fair to him. He didn’t deserve that.”

“Karma took care of Frank in ways we never could have,” I told her.

“Shitting and peeing on himself is karma?’

I snorted. “You’ve always had a way with words, Mom.”

“Anyway, you did say you would try with Sam. I know you resent him but he does want to try. _He_ contacted me, not the other way around.”

“I’ll try. I won’t take back my promise.” I leaned forward and snatched up the wine bottle from the porch floor and poured myself more. “You want?”

“Sure.”

I poured more for her and we both sat back in the swing.

“Who’s your favorite person?”

“You.”

I laughed. “No, you can’t pick me.”

She smiled. “Spoil sport. In the old days, of course, it was your daddy. I never believed in love at first sight until I met him. But now? I’m going to say me, if I can.”

“You definitely can. I think all that you’ve accomplished is amazing. This house. Your life. You could be bitter and sad, but you aren’t. I think it shows tremendous growth that you recognize your own value.”

“Maybe you’ll join me in that someday.” She nudged me.

“Maybe.”

“What about you, Jim? Who’s your favorite? Other than me. And other than Spock.”

I wasn’t sure I would have picked Spock even if I could have. Spock was Spock, of course. And all that went with him in my feelings, but I wasn’t sure I could pick him as a favorite. Too twisted up in knots.

“Bones,” I said immediately. “Best friend in the world. And you aren’t going to like this, Mom, but he’s been more of a brother to me than Sam. He’s saved me more times than I can say. And not just medically speaking. So, yeah, Bones.”

“Actually, considering everything, he’s pretty far up on my list, too,” Mom said. She knew about my miraculous recovery after Marcus and Khan. “I wish he’d have accepted the invitation to come along with you.”

“He doesn’t get a lot of chances to see his daughter and this will probably be it until the mission is through.”

“What about that anyway?”

“What about what?”

She sighed. “I wish you were staying for good, you know. Well, maybe not in Riverside, I can’t see this place holding enough excitement for you. But maybe grounded in San Francisco. Teaching cadets or being an Admiral at HQ.”

I laughed. “Yeah, right.”

“I know that’s not you. You’re more like George than you realize. I just wish…things were different.” She bit her lip and looked off at something I wasn’t even sure what it was. When this five-year mission is over, please tell me you aren’t going to sign up for another.”

“I haven’t thought that far ahead, Mom. I’m just trying to get through this one.”

“Okay, but please? Consider not signing up for another one, when you’re done. I’d love to see you settled down with—”

“Oh, no.” I laughed again. “Mom, even if I don’t sign up for a second five-year, that doesn’t mean I’m showing up with a wifey and kiddies.”

“Well.” She sighed. “It’s possible, isn’t it?”

“Maybe,” I allowed. “Though I wouldn’t say likely.”

“Because of Spock?” she asked gently.

“Because of me. Spock isn’t part of the equation in any way and that’s fine. I just don’t see myself as ever settling down to a married kind of life. That’s not where my dream lies, Mom. And I hope that’s okay.”

“Of course it’s okay, Jim. I only ever want you to be happy, honey. However that is.”

I held up my wine glass toward hers. “To happiness.”

She clinked her glass against mine. “To the Kirks.”

****

“I’m still not sure why I had to be here with you.”

Mom smiled, clutching my hand at the shuttle bay. “Because I want us to show a united front. We’re a family, James, and that includes George Samuel.”

“Maybe he won’t come,” I muttered low, under my breath. A part of me wondered if he wouldn’t disappoint her.

Us.

But even though I hadn’t seen Sam since he was a gangly fifteen year old, I knew him the minute he walked off the ramp that came down from the shuttle. Hugely tall, taller than me, and with bulging muscles under a tank top, and weird metal studded jeans, he resembled the holo photos of Dad, except that he wore a beard.

He held a suitcase in one hand and the hand of a small blond haired boy in the other. I glanced quickly at Mom.

“Who’s that?”

She looked at me in surprise. “I have no idea.”

Sam reached the end of the ramp and turned toward us, his gaze sweeping over the waiting people. It stopped on us. He suddenly grinned wide and pushed through the crowd to reach us.

“Oh. My. God.” Sam said, looking down at me. “James!”

He released the boy’s hand to pull me into a tight embrace that was so exuberant my feet left the ground.

“Hey! Put me down, will you?”

He whooped a laugh but he placed me back on the ground and did the same to Mom. She seemed much happier with it than I was. Eventually he put her down too and then turned to the blond boy, probably maybe six or so, who was shyly looking at us with blue eyes that seemed all too similar to the rest of the Kirks.

“This here is my boy, Peter. Pete, this is your grandmother and your uncle, Jim.”


	3. Hello from the Other Side

“Well.” I held out my hand toward the small boy. “Hello, Peter. It’s very nice to meet you.”

And entirely unexpected.

I had no idea why the idea of Sam having a kid never crossed my mind. Well, actually since I knew next to nothing about Sam these days, maybe that was why. But I saw only the two of them and that made me wonder also.

“Hi,” Peter whispered.

“Your uncle here is world famous, Pete. Universe famous, I guess.” Sam chortled. He rubbed the boy’s head vigorously. “Last I saw him he was only a few years older than you are now. You should read all about him.”

“That’s really not necessary.”

Sam grinned. “Now that you mention it, it’s not. You can tell him all about your adventures in person, can’t you?”

Mom cleared her throat and dropped down to be more Peter’s height. “Hi, Peter. I’m glad to meet you too. I didn’t know I had a grandson.” She glanced up at Sam with unmistakable reproach.

“Surprise!” Sam clearly was unrepentant. “It was meant to be a surprise.”

Mom stood up. “Well, let’s get you boys out of here and to the home. Is that all you have with you?” She eyed the suitcase.

“We travel light,” Sam replied. “We don’t really need much. You have a way to wash clothes and such, right, Mama?”

_Mama_?

And yet Mom seemed pleased by the title Sam used. Who was I to judge? Just the abandoned kid who got sent to Tarsus IV. I shook that thought off and followed behind Mom, Sam, and Peter as we left the building to go out to the car.

Neither of us asked Sam about Peter’s mom, though I figured the subject would come up.

On the trip back to the farmhouse, Mom and Sam chatted like old friends while Peter remained silent and I grunted a response or two if I was addressed.

Mom mostly asked him about work and the planet, Deneva, where he lived. According to Sam it was the most beautiful, garden-like planet ever. A great place for kids.

I barely listened.

Once inside the house, Mom took them upstairs to show them where they would be staying, throwing me a look before she went upstairs.

I knew that look. It was _behave_. I was trying. Honest.

I scooped up my PADD, glanced up toward the stairs, and heard them all talking, so I knew it was safe to escape for a moment or two. I went out the side door and into the yard.      

I found a secluded bench Mom had put in toward the back looking over her vegetable garden and typed out a message to Bones.

_So, Sam is here. Can you fucking believe it? He looks like some Neanderthal muscle man or something. I think he could break me in two if he wanted. He didn’t come alone either. Brought a kid with him. Must be, I don’t know, six or so. I miss you. Wish I was there. Or you were here. Or we both were on the Enterprise. That’s the one! J_

I hit send and put the PADD down next to me. One of the things Spock had been trying to teach me before Krall and all that went to hell had been how to meditate. I never really did get the hang of it before Spock had pretty much given up in frustration, but I had learned some breathing exercises. They had been the kind the shrinks had tried to teach me back in the days after Tarsus that never quite worked. I had at least gotten better since then at them.

I closed my eyes and breathed in, breathed out. Trying to clear my mind. It worked too. For about five minutes.

“Oof.”  

My eyes flew open to see Sam standing directly in front of me looking sheepish and holding two beers.

“Sorry. Didn’t know you were sleeping, buddy.”

“I wasn’t sleeping.” And I’m not your buddy. I took the offered beer and moved my PADD when Sam went to sit on it. “I was doing breathing exercises.”

“Oh.” Sam nodded. He twisted the top off his beer. “The doctors taught you that, huh?”

I looked at him sharply.

Sam shrugged. “Mom mentioned your time on Tarsus IV during some of our conversations. Now don’t go getting your hackles up. She didn’t mean to tell any secrets and anyway, I’m family.”

“My hackles are not up.”

Sam patted my leg. “Considering what you must have gone through you’re in remarkable shape.”

It sounded condescending to me but that might have been my mood rather than him so I let it go.

“Cute kid,” I said instead.

‘Thanks. Yeah, he’s great. Really smart like you. Shy like you were too.” Sam looked at me. “Guess you aren’t very shy anymore though.”

“I grew out of it.”

“I hope he does too. He’s a little too bashful. Left him in the old homestead with Mama so they can bond a bit.”

“And you came out here to bond with me over a couple of beers?”

“Well.” He looked out over the vegetables. “I don’t imagine a beer or two is going to make up for all those lost years. Or how much you probably hate me.”

“I don’t hate you,” I denied, though there wasn’t much conviction there.

“Frank was killing me, Jimmy. It was stifling.”

“Yeah,” I said softly. “And he was real nice to me.”

“I was just a kid. What could I do to help you? Couldn’t even help myself.”

“It’s been a long time now since you’ve been a kid, though, Sam. And you’re just showing up now. And with Peter. Where’d he come from? I’d ask if he was yours but he resembles us too much not to be.”

“Yeah. He’s mine. His mother was my wife, Aurelan. She died not long after Peter was born. Been just the two of us for a while now.” Sam took a long swallow of his beer. “And I guess I figured Peter might benefit from contact with his family. I don’t know Aurelan’s people. We met on Deneva and she never spoke much about them. Who they were. But I knew my half and so I contacted Mama. She told me you were here too.”

“It’s temporary.”

Sam nodded. Finished his beer and belched. He stood up then. “I know about all that Altamid stuff too. That old Starfleet captain that turned into a monster. Sucking the life out of people. That really the life you want?”

“I’m hardly going to become like Edison.”

“No,” Sam agreed. “Probably not. But doubt he thought he’d end up like that either. And Dad? Bet he didn’t expect what happened to him. I know Mom didn’t. That’s a dangerous life.” Sam scoffed. “And they tell you that you’re explorers.” Sam started walking back toward the house. “Mom’s making dinner. Don’t stay out here too long.”  


	4. Oh Brother Brother

“I don’t think this is a good idea,” I grumbled to Mom as she pulled up the collar of my coat around my throat.

“It’ll be fine. It’s good for you two to bond.”

I shook my head. “Why don’t you go and I’ll stay with the kid?”

“Jim.”

“Mom, we’re never going to bond like the brothers you want us to be,” I protested. “And sending us out drinking? Probably a recipe for disaster.”

She frowned. There was a way she had of making her eyes look all glisteny like she was on the verge of tears without actually ever having to shed a tear. She had that look now.

“You said you’d try.”

I was really close to asking if he’d promised the same thing. Because I didn’t think Sam was trying at all. But she was good at the guilt thing and I was feeling it.

“Fine.”

She smiled then and yanked on my collar again before she patted my face. I tried not to show my annoyance at that but it was a near thing.

“Try to have a good time. And get someone to drive if you guys are too drunk.”

Sam was standing by the side door that led out to the yard with the hover car. He was still as a statue and as big as old Paul Bunyan, at that. He didn’t look any happier to be doing this than I had. It had been Mom’s idea, of course.

I followed him outside and to the car, but when I headed for the driver’s side, he cut me off, naturally, and went there himself. I shoved the scowl threatening to show aside and got into the passenger side. 

Sam gave me a side-eyed look but said nothing as he started the hover car and pulled away from Mom, Peter and the house.

I wasn’t as reserved as he apparently was at the moment and had no trouble speaking up.

“What’s that about anyway?”

“What’s what about?”

“Mom watching your kid. Is that why you came here? To get a babysitter?”

The muscle in Sam’s jaw jumped. “This whole damn thing was Mom’s idea.”

“Going to the bar, maybe. But I mean this whole thing. Coming around here with Peter. Are you planning on dumping your kid with her?”

“I told you before, I just thought Pete would benefit from knowing the family. I’m not dumping him on anyone.”

I fell silent then. I didn’t trust Sam and I didn’t think I ever would. Yeah, Frank was a shit. But to both of us. And Sam walked away and left me behind.

He pulled up in front of the same bar where I’d first met Uhura and Pike. That was a long time ago now and the truth was I hadn’t been back here since.

People change and I guess maybe I’d changed more than anyone.

I got out and followed him in and over to the bar where there were two empty stools at the end.

We ordered drinks. Both whiskey.

Sam turned toward me. “Not that I am, but would Mom taking care of Pete be such a bad thing?”

“Yeah. She’s good with adults, not so good with kids. There’s a reason she left us with that fucker and went off planet without us.” I picked up my glass of whiskey. “I love her. Don’t get me wrong. But she has her faults.”

“Maybe you’re right.” Sam sipped his drink. “What about you? Think you’ll ever have a little Jim?”

Spock’s face flashed before me unbidden and unwanted. Well, wanted, yes. But that was another thing entirely. It wouldn’t have been little Jims I would have wanted, but little Spocks, yes. Maybe. There were ways, surrogates, hell, Spock had even thought about making ‘little Vulcans’ as Bones had said, but now that he was bonded to Uhura, it would be them. Me? No.

“I’m married to the Enterprise,” I answered. “No kids for me.”

“So, what? You’ll just go to woman to woman to woman at every port? Every space station?”

“I don’t really do that anymore.”

Sam’s eyebrows shot up. “My little brother celibate? I find that hard to believe.”

“People change. And I wouldn’t classify myself as celibate, exactly. Just…not currently participating.” I signaled the bartender for two more.

“Well, good looking guy like you, I’m sure you have your share of offers. “ Sam shrugged. “What is it, little brother? You hung up on someone?”

I snorted and rolled my eyes. “I know Mom thinks we’re going to bond or whatever, but seriously, I am not going to do this personal shit with you.”

“Yeah. There’s someone. Who is she?”

“There’s no she, Sam. Just be quiet.”

Sam downed his second drink, all the while looking at me. He got the bartender to bring us another round, so I finished the second one and looked right back at him.

“So,” he said slowly. “It’s a guy, huh?”

“What if it is?” I snapped, forgetting for a moment I wasn’t going to talk to him about this. Or _anything_.

“Well. I mean, whatever, man. Who am I to judge if you want that kind of thing?”

And of course he said it in a way where he definitely sounded like he was judging. I tried not to bristle at it.

“Why aren’t you with him?”

“Sam.”

“Well, come on, Jim. You have to be a pretty damn good catch for anyone. Good looking, a Starfleet captain, a damn hero several times over, brilliant. I mean, who the _fuck_ wouldn’t want you?”

I had to laugh because he suddenly sounded incensed on my behalf. I figured three whiskeys and a couple of beers back at the house would do that.

And I suppose that same three whiskeys and two beers had me loosening my tongue too.

“Someone who already has someone else, that’s who.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, oh. A very committed someone else.”

“You mean he’s married?”

“Got it in one, Sam. Well, he is now, anyway. And he practically was before he married her. Bonded with her. Whatever the fuck.”

“ _Bonded_?” Then his eyes got comically wide. “Oh, shit. You’re talking about that Vulcan first officer of yours.”

“Hey, could you keep it down? The next county doesn’t need to know.”

“Sorry,” he mumbled. “But Spock, right? Isn’t that his name?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s fucked up, Jimmy.”

“Yeah.”

“But, a Vulcan? I mean would you really want that? They don’t feel this and they don’t feel that and blah blah blah. I don’t know, kid, you’ve always been an emotional creampuff.”

“Hey. Fuck you.” And I flipped him the bird to accentuate it.

Sam shrugged. “Just saying. You with some emotionless robot.”

I stared into my drink. “He has enough emotions to feel for her.”

“You’re a mess.”

And that was certainly true. I downed my drink and asked for more. “Look. I’m sorry about your wife. Aurelan?”

Sam nodded, his expression solemn. “She was better than I deserved.”

“Everyone is better than you deserve.”

And he punched my arm. It hurt. But it made me grin like a fool and he grinned back.

Drunk idiots.

Sam held up his glass. “To Kirk failures in love.”

I hit mine against his. “To failures.”

****

I didn’t know how long we were at the bar, but I know Sam drove us home, and I was too wasted to realize how much of a bad idea that was. I didn’t think he was as shit-faced as I was, but I was too shit-faced to realize it one way or another.

By the time the hover car rattled to a stop I was nearly unconscious. Sam had to come to the passenger side and pulled me out.

As he dragged me to the side door, it took us both a moment to realize someone stood there.

Sam stopped dead. “What the—”

I looked up, bleary-eyed. Suddenly my vision swam and I stumbled forward.

“It’s my Vulcan. Spock!”

Everything shifted and tilted and it took probably longer than it should before I realized Spock had scooped me up into his arms. What did they call that? Bridal?

“Are you responsible for this?” Spock demanded of Sam, his voice cold and stony.

“Nope,” Sam said cheerfully. “I think you are.”   


	5. Vulcan Nursemaid

I stared up at Spock from my position in his arms. And wasn’t that a strange thought anyway? I was vaguely aware that Sam had walked past us and into the house. Or judging by the opening and closing of the door he had. I didn’t bother to look, as I seemed to be mesmerized by the dark Vulcan eyes staring down at me with not exactly disapproval but…I was too drunk to put my finger on it, actually.    

“Captain.”

“Commander.” My own steady voice impressed me.

“You are intoxicated.”

“Yup.”

He tore his gaze from mine to glance toward the house and I felt overwhelming regret at it, my eyes pricking with tears. And what the absolute fuck anyway?

“You will tell me which room is yours,” he stated, then returned to looking at me. He frowned slightly. “Are you injured?”

“Only internally.”

“If you have internal injuries I will—”

I shook my head. “Only my heart is wounded.” And I recognized how absurdly dramatic I sounded and didn’t even really care. I would probably regret it big time in the morning though.

“Clarify.”

“There is no clarification. My heart broke long ago, Spock. Thanks to you.”

His eyebrow quirked up. “I am the cause of your tears?”

“Well. You and a little bit of booze.”

“A lot of booze I would say.”

“You said _booze_.” I cackled.

I didn’t miss his sigh, well I mean I missed everything about him, but I heard him sigh just then, likely to prevent himself from shaking me in frustration.

“Inside,” he murmured and walked to the door with me in his arms. I leaned in, intending to twist the doorknob for him but I began to teeter and he straightened me away from it, just keeping me from slipping to the ground. “I will get it.”

Inside there was no sign of Sam, but Mom stood in the dining room dressed in a nightgown and robe, hair askew, as she stared at us in a mixture of wide-eyed shock and motherly disapproval.

“Hiya, Mom.”

“His room is upstairs third on the right,” she said to Spock.

I noticed there were no introductions and guessed that meant they’d taken care of that long before Sam and I stumbled home.

She said nothing else, which I supposed was good, though I suspected we were in for it in the morning, Sam and me, that is, but hopefully by then I would be sober enough to take it.

My stomach lurched a little as Spock took the stairs.

“Are you in danger of expelling the contents of your stomach?”

“Honestly? Yeah. There’s a bathroom in my room. ”

He pushed open the door of my room, flicked on the light, and then carried me immediately next to the door of the half-bath.

“Do you require assistance?” he demanded as he set me down on my feet. His hand shot out to grab my arm as I swayed.

“No. No. Thank you.” I narrowed my eyes at him. “Not that I’m not glad to see you, I totally am, like very very glad, but what are you doing here?”

My stomach lurched again and I quickly turned to the bathroom, hand going up to my mouth. “Hold that thought.”

I barely made it to the toilet before I threw up.

I managed to drop to the floor without banging my knees on the porcelain and I considered that a win. Spock closed the door, and I was glad. He sure didn’t need to see me puking my guts out.

Long after I seemed to be finished though, I didn’t rise from the floor. I continued just sitting by the toilet, my legs stretched out around it in a weird imitation of a hug.

Probably one of the most embarrassing moments of my life had just happened and I had quite a few of them to compare.

“Captain?”

“So, you weren’t an optical illusion?” I muttered.

“No.” Another pause. “Are you still expelling the contents of your stomach?”

“Nope.” I ran my hand through my hair. “I think I’m done.”

The door opened, as I both feared and hoped it would. He peered down at me and I leaned my head back to peer back up at him.

“Are you having trouble getting up?” was his very logical question.

“I haven’t even tried.” I went to shake my head and then thought better of it. “You can, um, go or whatever. I can probably crawl from here.”

The sigh was back, so heavy and full of Vulcan sarcasm I could have wept. I loved him. Like so much.

“While that is an interesting declaration given the circumstances, I think it best that we remove you from the floor and attempt to get you into bed prior to any more questionable actions or statements.”

I felt a vague sense of panic at knowing I must have said some of that out loud, but before I could freak out too much, Spock had leaned down, seized me under my arm and hauled me to a standing position.

Spock waited, to see if I was stable I was sure, and when it was clear that I wasn’t going to topple over, he led me toward my bed.   

“What do you normally wear to bed?”

“My birthday suit.”

The tiny frown was back. “You have a suit for—”

“No. Um. No. Never mind. I’ll just wear my underwear. I can’t wait to get these clothes off because I’m pretty sure I splattered puke on them.”

Spock wrinkled his nose. “Yes.”

I was still too out of it to feel too much embarrassment, but that would come soon enough. He helped me take my shirt off and then when his hands went to the waistband of my jeans, I swatted at his hands and he pulled away.

“I can do it!”

But then I fell onto the bed. I was pretty sure I saw Spock roll his eyes as he reached over and yanked my pants off me, over my shoes. I sat up a little to stare at my still shoe encased feet. Here I sat on my bed wearing underwear and shoes in front of Spock of all Vulcans.

But Spock, great first officer that he was, just bent over and pulled off my shoes too, then twisted me around until I lay flat on the bed, pulling the covers over me without even glancing at my unmentionables.

“Thank you, honey.”

“That is Commander Honey to you,” Spock said with a completely straight face.

I giggled. Very uncaptainly of me too.

“You never said.”

“What?”

“Why you are here.” I clutched at the sheet and blanket, pulling them up to my neck and holding them there.

“A subject best discussed when one of us is sober.”

“One of us _is_.”

“Go to sleep, Jim.”

And then he was gone. I frowned. But a second later he was back and he showed me a trash bucket.

“In case.”

“You’re wise,” I informed him.

And then he was gone again. But he didn’t come back this time, though I waited for ten minutes, then closed my eyes.  


	6. My Mind's Going to Racing

I woke up with the sun streaming brightly into my room, which was probably weird because I thought the blinds had been closed.

And then as I sort of turned my head around the room to look I saw the culprit standing just inside the doorway. So much for privacy.

“What are you doing in my room?” I demanded of Sam.

He leaned against the door jam, all massive muscle under an olive green tank top. Other than a shadowed jaw, indicating he hadn’t shaved, he looked none the worse for wear. It pissed me off.

“Good morning, little brother.”

I scowled. “A little late for the brother act. What time is it anyway? The butt crack of dawn?”

Sam snorted. “More like the butt crack of the afternoon, Jim. How do you feel?”

“Like my mouth is full of a musty rat.”

He laughed. “Well, Mom sent me up here to get you up and out of bed.”

I groaned.

“You do have a guest, you know.”

I jumped a little, staring wide eyed at the ceiling. “Shit. I didn’t dream him or imagine him or something?”

“Definitely not. I’ve already been subjected to a no driving while drinking lecture first thing this morning.”

“Yeah?”

“Oh yeah. Something about if I wanted to crash and kill myself, that was up to me, but that having ‘the captain’ in my vehicle was a different story.”

I winced.

“You need a shower. You smell like puke. And you’ll probably want to change those sheets later too.”

“Did you throw up?”

“ _Me_? Of course not. You’ve always had a weak stomach.”

I managed to struggle up to a sitting position in bed. “Yeah. What would you know about it?”

“I know. You may not remember, but when you were six, you got really sick, and I took care of you.”

“Why you?” I asked, skeptical.

He smiled slightly. “No one else would. Come down when you’re ready. I set a cup of coffee on the table next to your bed.”

I glanced at the table, saw the mug, and muttered, “Thanks.” But Sam had already left.

So I hadn’t drummed up Spock out of my imagination or some sort of twisted sense of want. Which meant, that yep, he’d had to deal with me in all my pukage of the night before.

_Great_.

I still didn’t know why he was even at the house. In Iowa. Maybe Uhura had come with him. I hadn’t seen her last night, I didn’t think anyway, but maybe she’d been there. Maybe they were both here.

I managed to stumble out of bed, grabbed the coffee, and took a rather largish swallow. I grimaced. Fucking bitter and as strong as hell. Figured, Sam didn’t know how to make decent coffee.

I felt pretty nauseous still, all through my shower, and had to lean against the tile wall several times to rest.

I pulled on holey jeans and a battered blue T-shirt I’d chosen just because it went with my eyes. I probably should have shaved but figuring my hand was still unsteady enough to slit my own throat, I decided not to just yet.

About to leave my room, I was surprised to see Peter there, holding what looked like another coffee cup, and looking a little like he wasn’t sure if he was in the right place.

He really looked like a mini-Sam. Which I guess was also a mini-me in a way. But he looked like maybe a loud noise would give him a heart attack.

“Hi, Peter.”

“Grandma said to bring you this.”

“What is it?”

Peter held it out toward me. “A decent cup to replace the one Daddy gave you.”

I smiled and took the coffee from him and immediately had a sip. “Oh, thank God for your grandmother.”

Peter didn’t smile back, just stared at me.

“Hey, um, listen, you know you’re safe here, right? No one here would hurt you.”

“Okay.”

I nodded. “Thanks for bringing me this. Are they all downstairs?”

“Yep.”

“The Vulcan too?”

“Him too.”

I bit my lip. “Anybody else?”

“Daddy, Grandma, me and Mister Spock.”

“Did he tell you to call him Mister Spock?”

“No, Grandma did.”

“No…lady? Other than grandma.”

Peter scrunched up his face and then shook his head. Then he turned and headed down the hallway to the stairs. Where I should definitely be following. I took a few more sips of the good coffee and then followed after Peter.

When I reached the top of the stairs, I hesitated.

“Jim, don’t just stand there lurking at the stairs, come down.” This from Mom, of course. How did she even know?

With a sigh, I trudged downward.

I was greeted by the sight of Sam taking up more space than he should at the table, Spock sitting stiffly across from him, cradling a tiny cup I had never seen before, and wondered where Mom had dug it up from, and Peter carrying plates of pancakes from the kitchen that Mom handed to him.

‘There you are,” Mom said, her eyes narrowing. “ _Jimmy_.”

“What?” I asked, scratching my belly under my shirt.

She made a tsking sound. “You looked like you just crawled out of a hole! You didn’t even shave and what _are_ those clothes?”

“I think I left them here from before.”

“Those jeans are three times too small for you. Are those the ones you wore when you were _sixteen_?”

I felt myself turning warm and rubbed the back of my neck as I moved into the kitchen to pour myself more coffee. “I don’t know. I, um, I don’t think so. Sam didn’t shave either.” Okay I knew I sounded mulish, but really.

“Sam already got his lectures.”

“And plenty of them,” Sam said, rather cheerfully, though he did spare a strange glance in Spock’s direction.

And Spock.

He was watching me with that intense stare that said exactly…nothing. I don’t know how he mastered it, but he had. It was on the tip of my tongue to ask him where Mrs. Spock was, but the moment or the atmosphere, whatever, wasn’t right for it. Hungover or not, I could figure that much out.

“Have some pancakes,” Mom said.

I shook my head. “Don’t think I can handle them.”

Sam chortled as he shoved a big bite into his mouth. “Wimp.”

I flipped him off just as Peter turned to look at me. I spread all my fingers out and changed it to a wave. Sam laughed more.

“When I sent you two out for brother bonding, I didn’t expect you to get quite so wasted.” Mom gave a disapproving shake of her head. “Spock arrived not that long after you left.”

“Uh, yeah?”

“We spent the evening talking and playing chess.”

“Talking?” My stomach turned over.

Spock was now calmly eating his pancakes, I noticed, while Peter was asking him all kinds of questions about Vulcans and Starfleet. Apparently it was only me Peter was shy and timid around or something.

Mom smiled. “Yes. Of course I lost every game.” She leaned over and patted my hand. “You really should eat something. You’ve always had a weak stomach.”

“Have not,” I muttered, which even I knew was a lie. “I’m going to get some air.”

I headed for the door that would take me out to the covered porch in the back.

“Don’t you smoke out there, Jimmy!”

As if my _weak stomach_ could handle that.  

I slammed the door maybe a little harder than I should have.

But really.

Spock was here. Had been _talking_ to my mom. Lecturing my brother, who totally deserved it, and Uhura appeared to be nowhere.

What did it mean?


	7. Hey Brother, Do You Still Believe in One Another?

When the door opened behind me, I hoped it would be Spock, but it was just my dumbass brother. I didn’t bother to hide my disappointment.

Sam handed me a glass of red stuff. “Here.” He plopped down in a chair, his big long legs taking up way too much space.

“Tomato?”

“Yep. Might help. And besides, I remember you loved it as a kid.”

“I’m surprised you remember.” I sipped it.

“I’m not old enough to be senile yet, Jim. Just because I left doesn’t mean my memories went with me.” He eyed me for a second. “Why’d you run away?”

“Huh?”

“Just now. You couldn’t get away from all of us soon enough. He came for you.”

“Who?”

“You know who. He’s here for you.” Sam shook his head. “Why do you think he came to Riverside?”

“Why did you?” I shot back.

Sam turned it back on me, “Why did you?”

“Because Mom wanted me to. Family shit.”

“Same thing,” Sam said. “This family, however fucked up we may be, is all I have left, and all Peter has left too. I screwed up when I was young, Jim. I can’t change any of that. You were a good kid. I thought you’d be okay. I didn’t know you’d go driving the car off a cliff and I sure as hell didn’t know that dickhead was going to send you to Tarsus IV or even what Tarsus was then.”

“You knew he was a dickhead though.”

“I did,” my brother admitted. “But I thought it was just me. I suck. I know that. But now we all have a chance to build something together. That’s why I came.” He hit my leg with the toe of his boot. “He’s here for you. Whatever girl you thought he was with, he’s not with her now.”

I thought about that. Sipped at my juice. “What did he say to you?”

Sam grinned. “About what you’d expect. ‘You’re a big stupid jerk for driving drunk’ and ‘how dare you endanger the captain’.”

I rolled my eyes. “He did not. He doesn’t talk like you.”

He laughed. “It was the gist of it. Maybe the words are more mine than his, but he thinks I’m an idiot.” Sam shrugged. “He’s not wrong.”

“I was dumb enough to get into the car with you, so we’re both idiots.”

“No doubt he’ll tell you that too. Look, far be it from me to tell you have to listen to me or anything, but you only get one family.”

I shook my head. “Not true. You can have as many families as you want. And you can pick and choose who you want to be part of it.”

“Maybe,” he mused. “But not blood.”

“Blood isn’t everything.”

“Hmm. I got his looks.”

I shot him a look.

“Dad’s. I look just like him. And I’ve heard that all my life. I can’t help what I look like. But that never mattered. There was no way I was going to join an org like Starfleet. Can you imagine? ‘You look just like George.’ “Well, George did this, and you may look like George but you definitely aren’t him’. Fuck, Jim, they even named me George.”

“Not that you ever called yourself that.”

“Can you blame me? If Dad had been James, you’d be going by Tib right now.”

I snorted at that and shook my head. “You think I don’t know about being compared to Dad?”

“You got his brains though. You’re as smart as he was.”

“You’re no slouch in the brains department.”

“Not like you, Jim,” Sam said. “You have no idea, really, how much you’re admired and looked up to and how everyone thinks you’re a hero.”

“Everyone’s wrong.”

“No. And that Vulcan? I don’t know how you don’t see it. Aurelan? She never looked at me like that. I thought you’d be all right when I left because you always were. You never needed me or Frank or Mom. And really? I was right. You _survived_ Tarsus. Not a lot of people did. And since then? You’ve thrived. Is everything perfect? No. I know that. I _know_ you’ve had it rough and about your nightmares.”

I scoffed. “You don’t know anything about me, Sam. How would you? From Mom? She doesn’t know either.”

He reached over and squeezed my leg. “That’s why I’m here. In Riverside of all places. Again.” Sam unfolded himself from the chair and headed for the door back into the house. “I’ll send him out here.”

The thing was, the moment the door closed behind Sam, I started to panic. Because, sure, I had wanted and hoped it had been Spock who came out earlier, a part of me had been very much relieved it hadn’t been. The longer it took for the two of us to be alone, the longer I could put off, well…everything.

I wasn’t a coward.  And maybe Sam was even right. Maybe Spock came to Riverside for me. Why else would he? And by himself. Generally the most obvious solution _was_ the solution.

Which meant  _everything_ was about to change. So, yeah, I was a little trepidatious. So much could go wrong.

This was _Spock_.

Someone I loved more than I loved anyone or anything in my life. Romance could only take you so far. Passion could be fleeting. Soulmates didn’t exist. What you had with someone, you had to work for. And I had never wanted to work at that.

Except for now.

_Commander Honey._

I thought maybe in my drunken stupor I’d imagined it. Now? I wasn’t so sure.

I was not a commitment-phobe. But it was a near thing.

The door opened.

One clipped word, “Captain.”

Yep, the lecture was coming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update madness!


	8. I'd Wait a Million More For You

I looked back at him, over my shoulder. My mouth was dry, my throat tight.

“You look…” I wanted to say angry, because there was a definite element of that, but instead, I said, “good. You look good.”

“If only the same could be said for you.”

I winced at that and looked away, taking another sip of my tomato juice, and then frowning down at it when I realize it was empty and I was drinking air. I set down the finished glass.

“You may as well sit.” I gestured to the rattan chair across from me, recently occupied by my big lug of a brother.

There was no hesitation at all, Spock simply sat, making even plopping down on an old stained patio chair look elegant and regal. But he made no move to speak, and I knew that meant it was up to me to break the ice.

Of course there was the obvious elephant in the room. Or patio, at the moment. But I wasn’t sure I should lead with, “Where’s your wife?” Or even “Is she your wife?”

I began, then, with the very intelligent, “So.”

Spock looked at me like I was the most stupid being on Earth, and that might not be all that far from the truth.

“Thanks by the way,” I tried again. “For last night. Um. You know. Taking care of things.” Of me, I meant, of course, but for some reason couldn’t quite get that out.

“The opportunity was unexpected.”

Spock’s semi-nice way of saying ‘I expected better from you, Captain’.

“My brother and me. Well. Mom thought we should do some bonding, I guess. I know riding home with a drunk was not my best decision.”

I received no reply to that and I wasn’t even sure what I expected.

“Anyway.” I rubbed the back of my neck and his gaze went there.

“Are you experiencing discomfort?”

I opened my mouth to say no, but then realized he was getting up with the obvious intention of massaging my neck and shoulder muscles. I closed my mouth on the denial as he stood beside me and began to do just that. It felt insanely good and I realized it was doing wonders for my headache too.

“Oh, my God,” I moaned. “You’re really good at that.”

“During my initial year at Starfleet Academy, I trained in masseuse techniques.”

“Yeah? For a job or something?”

“Indeed. I did have a part time job. I was so far ahead in my classes, I grew bored with so much free time.”

“Of course you were. Well, my muscles are definitely grateful.” I released a breath. “Spock.”

He ceased his ministrations and returned to his seat, eyeing me with a singular intensity only he seemed to be capable of.

“You have many questions.”

I nodded. “But I guess the most pressing one is, where’s Uhura? I thought you guys were…well. Getting married or bonded. Weren’t you?”

He avoided my gaze then. Looking anywhere but at me. “That has been called off.”

My heart sped up almost painfully. Was I happy about that? And if I was, what right did I have to be? If something that dramatic happened between them, then I was an ass for feeling anything but-but sympathy for Spock’s ordeal.

“What happened?”

“We realized that we were going through with the plans to bond simply because it was expected that it was our next step. We sat down and had a discussion as to whether it was actually what either or both of us wanted.”

“And?”

Spock shook his head. “We both agreed that our feelings for each other had undergone significant change over the course of the past few years. We have become more companionable friends rather than romantic partners, and that change in relationship, when analyzed between us, was welcome by both of us.”

I nodded my understanding. “Seems like a very rational and mature decision by both of you.”

“Indeed.” Spock’s hands gripped his knees tightly. “I am certain that your next question relates to my appearance here in Riverside. When I began to analyze my feelings toward Nyota, I also began to analyze my feelings toward you, and I came to the conclusion, after careful thought and meditation, that we have developed a mutual admiration of each other and—”

I moistened my dry lips. “Look, I know you heard me call you honey and I just wanted to say that…wait. _Mutual_?”

He was looking at me again and this time his eyebrow shot up so far it disappeared into his bangs. “Unless I am mistaken about the reciprocation.”

I closed my eyes and counted to ten. Then I looked at him. “Hangover, Spock. I’m working at 75% brain capacity at most. Help me out here.”

Spock nodded. “It is my belief that you and I are romantically compatible.”

I smiled a little. “So…you like me.”

He hesitated. “Yes.”

“And I like you.”

“Hopefully.”

My smile widened. “I do. In fact, it just might go a little beyond like.”

“I am gratified.”

That made my smile change into a smirk and I rose up from my chair. “Yeah? Let me show you some gratification.”

“Jim,” Spock warned just as I straddled him on the rattan chair, intent on sharing our very first kiss.

“Be quiet, Commander.” I framed his jaw in his hands and leaned in to plant one on him. The chair creaked and I ignored it, pressing into him. His hands came up under my T-shirt to grip my sides.

And the chair split under our combined weight, sending both of us to the porch floor.

“Ooph,” I protested briefly, before thrusting my tongue into his mouth.

The door to the house opened. “Uncle Jim—oh. Dad! They’re kissing. And on the ground.”

“What? Already?” Sam appeared in the doorway. “For God’s sake, Jim. At least go to your room.”

I stopped kissing Spock, who had stiffened and looked like he wanted to murder someone and I was afraid it might be me. I smiled. “Family.” 


	9. Brand New Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A gentle chapter

I wasn’t sure, really, how I let myself get talked into a family outing with Mom, Peter and Sam, with me also dragging along Spock. There was so much more I’d rather be doing with Spock since discovering our ‘mutual admiration’ as he so awkwardly put it, but when we’d been caught by Peter kissing on the back porch, and had returned to the inside of the house, Mom had suggested this family bonding thing.

I almost let Spock out of it. Because I didn’t even want to do it, so why would Spock? But then I thought, or realized I guess, that if we were actually going to be a thing, which I hoped we were, he may as well get used to being part of the Kirk family and all it entailed.

Still, he sat next to me in the far back seat of the hover car about as stiff and unyielding as I had ever seen him. The only consolation was that he was jammed up pretty close to me, body pressed against mine, and he didn’t seem particularly inclined to adjust in the seat so that every part of me wasn’t touching part of him. I considered that a victory.

“You all settled back there, boys?” Mom called cheerfully from the front seat.

“I am. You all settled, Spock?”

“Yes, Captain.”

Sam snickered.

I kicked his seat.

“It’s cute the way he calls you Captain,” Sam said.

“He _is_ my captain.”

“Yeah, shut up, Sam. Nobody asked you.”

“Boys! Sam, leave Spock alone. It’s probably difficult enough for him having to fit in with us let alone with you teasing him.”

I glanced at Spock’s sharp profile. “Uh, so, Mom? Where are we off to?”

“Ushers Ferry Historic Village.”

“Oh, God, not that old place,” I protested.

“It’s fun,” she insisted. “And Spock and Peter haven’t been there.”

“What is it?” Spock asked, finally turning his dark gaze to me.

“An old historical village in Cedar Rapids that dates back to 1890 or so.”

“Until about 1910,” Mom added. “It’s cute. Like an old west town with about twenty or so old buildings. Very family friendly. And I packed us a picnic.”

I rolled my eyes but said nothing. Poor Spock was likely going to wish he had waited to see me until we were both back on the Enterprise.

The ride to Cedar Rapids was short, so we arrived in no time at the old village and Mom parked the hover car in a designated spot, and we all piled out.

Ushers was already crowded with tourists and school children, but Mom seemed to think that was part of the fun. Sam seemed as thrilled as I was to be there. When we were small kids, before anything truly bad happened, this was one of Mom’s favorite places to take us. There was nothing new here for us, but I supposed it was new to Peter and to Spock, though I suspected my Vulcan would be unimpressed.

At the entrance we paid our small donations, well Mom did, and then we entered the park.

I grabbed Spock’s arm. “We’re going to go this way. See you all in a bit.”

Mom opened her mouth to protest but then she smiled and shooed us away.

At least it was a sunny day and not particularly cold or hot. About as perfect weather as it ever got here, really. And the sky was a startling, clear blue.

Spock was watching me as we headed to the left to a group of historical old buildings.

“Sorry about this,” I said, stilling holding on to his arm, simply because I didn’t want to let go. “It’s hard for me to say no to her.”

“And the point of this visit was to connect to your family.”

“Yeah.”

“I do not mind. It is fascinating to see what life was like for old Terrans.” Spock paused in front of the first building, an old bank. “I only wish that I was able to show you ancient sights on Vulcan.” He paused. “But that is not possible.”

My chest ached then and I turned to him, searching his dark eyes. “I’m sorry. I wish…”

“What, Jim?”

“That I could have stopped Nero. That I wasn’t too late with the drill.”

“Ashaya, you bear no responsibility in the destruction of Vulcan. Your actions allowed the few Vulcans that were evacuated to be saved. Not to mention you prevented Earth from realizing the same fate.”

“Yeah, I…I wish, nevertheless.” I took his hand and was happy when he willingly held it. “Still this is an odd place to have to woo each other.”

Spock shook his head. “I believe the wooing has already occurred, has it not? Do you not consider us wooed?”

I laughed. “Yeah. Maybe. I suppose we are.” I looked around, but no one paid us any mind, so I drew him into my arms, and again, he came willingly. “I can’t believe you’re here. And that you came to Riverside to, I don’t know, declare undying love or something.” I laughed again. “Not that you have or anything, but—”

“Have I not?”  He arched a haughty brow at me.

My insides were warm and fuzzy and I wanted desperately to kiss him, but I was already making a spectacle of us, so I at least refrained from that.

I took his hand in mine once more and we moved on to the next old building, this one you could actually go inside, so we did, and Spock read every plaque that declared the history of the place.

He stopped to ask costumed docents questions too, which I could tell made them happy to be able to give their rehearsed speeches. 

Later, when we met up with Mom, Sam and Peter, she advised she had located a picnic table for us to have our late afternoon lunch.

“You have fully recovered from your hangover?” Spock asked as I bit into a peach, the juice running down my chin.

We sat on one of the picnic table benches after our meal, considerately packed by Mom to include many vegetarian choices, and watched as Sam, Peter and Mom played Frisbee with a disc Mom had packed along with the food.

“Yeah, I feel as good as new.” I offered him a bite of peach, which he took, but I noticed he didn’t get any of the juice to spill out. I smiled. “This is a good day.”

“You seem surprised.”

I shrugged a little. “I am. I didn’t expect to enjoy today, but I am.”

“Why did you not?”

“Oh, I don’t know. I’ve been to this old place dozens of times.”

Spock nodded. “You have become jaded.”

I wanted to deny it, but I supposed it was true. “I guess I have. But it was nice to see it through new eyes. And to spend time with you. And them.”

“Not everything has to be nonstop excitement to be enjoyable, Jim.”

I gave him another bite of peach. “You and Uhura. Things okay between you?”

“I believe we have reached an amicable understanding of our new relationship,” Spock replied. “It will take time for both of us to get used to it. Fortunately, we have that time before the Enterprise rebuild is to be completed.”

I nodded. Took his hand again. I liked taking his hand. I knew once we did return to the ship, all this lovey dovey stuff wouldn’t be possible in front of the crew.  

“Meant to ask you. What’s ashaya? I mean I know it’s Vulcan.”

“An endearment. Similar to love or sweetheart, I suppose. Used for one that is very special.”

My smile probably nearly split my face. “This really is a good day.”

“Indeed.”

And when he smiled softly in return, my day was complete. 


	10. You Spin Me Right Round

That night we were faced with just a little bit of awkwardness. For me anyway. Perhaps it didn’t feel that way to Spock.

But after our return from our outing and a very light dinner, Mom switched Spock to staying with me in my room. She had asked us first, of course, and we’d both given a rather stilted agreement.

And now, after a probably too long shower, here I stood in the middle of my room, staring at the Vulcan who presently lounged against the headboard of the only bed in the room.

I smiled. “Hey.”

His dark eyes assessed me, no doubt wondering why I had such a weird look on my face. “Jim, if my sharing this room with you is not acceptable, I will—”

“No,” I said quickly. “No. That’s not it. It’s super…acceptable.” I bit my lip and hugged myself. I was certain nobody had ever looked as ridiculous as me. I padded barefoot over to the bed and sat down on the side he had chosen, facing him. “Can I tell you something?”

“Anything.”

I nodded. “My head is filled with so many mixed thoughts. One, I really want to have sex with you, like a crazy amount, because I’ve been thinking about you, fantasizing for so long, that I’m tied in knots. But whenever I thought of our first time, it was never in my bedroom at the farmhouse with my mother and brother and nephew just a few feet away.”

“I can see why that would cause some trepidation.”

“Two, I’ve had a lot of sex. Not even as much as everyone always thinks, you know, but enough, and some of it was great, really good, but you’re the one I’m in love with and that brings it to a whole other level. That scares me a bit.”

“Jim, I would not—”

“I know,” I interrupted softly. “It doesn’t have to make logical sense, Spock.” I smiled again. “I’m afraid of getting this wrong. I’ve never ever wanted to be with someone like I want to be with you. Not just sexually, but of course there’s that, but in all ways there is to be with someone, and just…”

Spock leaned forward and took possession of my hands. “Ashaya, it’s the same for me.”

“Yeah?”

“I had great affection for Nyota. I still do. But nothing and no one compares to you.” He rubbed the tip of his thumb across my palm. “You are not the only one who has imagined things.”

I shivered. Swallowed. “You’ve imagined…things?”

“I have, yes. Places where we would…engage.” Spock’s cheeks turned greener. “This room was not what I imagined either for our first time.”

I lowered my lashes, gazing at him through them. I moistened my lips. “I’ve thought about my quarters, your quarters, engineering, the medbay—”

He surprised me with a chuckle. “Somehow I don’t think that would go over well with Leonard.”

“No.” I shook my head. “And you?”

He rubbed his thumb again. “The Captain’s chair.”

My gaze flew to his. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up. “What?”

He angled his head, his lips curving slightly. “Me sitting in the chair with you straddling me.”

I choked.

“Sometimes the other way,” Spock acknowledged.

“We can’t,” I insisted, without much conviction, I was sure. “Not on the bridge.” I paused. “Right?”

“Right, Captain. That is what makes it only a fantasy.”

“Yeah.” I sighed. “Okay.” Then I allowed another smile. “But we aren’t on the bridge now, and though, I guess given the occupancy of the house, I can’t scream or anything, but otherwise—”

“There is the barn,” Spock cut in.

I blinked. “What?”

He shrugged. “Earlier, I was observing that there is a loft at the top of the barn that is definitely large enough for our planned activities.”

“Planned?”

“Indeed. Someone has already placed a blanket and other necessary items there and—”

“Wait. _Someone_ has?” He looked way too Vulcan innocent. “ _Spock_ , you devil. You’ve made plans?”

“I suspected you like to make noise.”

“How did you…you know what? Never mind. Let’s go.” I scrambled off the bed and reached for a coat to shrug into, even as Spock got out of bed and did the same, his feet slipped into a pair of slippers. I stuck my feet in lace up boots but didn’t bother doing up the laces. “Do you think we’ll be able to sneak out of the house?”

“If you are able to be quiet.” Spock paused. “Perhaps not.”

“Shut up,” I said, good naturedly. “I can be quiet.”

I grabbed his arm and went to the bedroom door, opening it quietly. I listened, but there were no sounds in the house.

Tugging on the sleeve of Spock’s Vulcan robe, I pulled him from the room and down the hall toward the stairs.

Once we made it downstairs, not without the stairs creaking briefly, it was just a short rushed trip to the door that would take us outside.

Inside the barn, I scrambled up the ladder, Spock right behind me. I thought I felt fingertips brush my ass, but when I looked down suspiciously, his expression was blank.

When I reached the loft, sure enough, there was a light already powered on, and a plush blanket had been spread out across the wood floor, and there were even pillows. Next to the edge of the blanket was a discreetly place bottle of lube.

“You think of everything, Mister Spock,” I murmured.

The loft was big enough to stand upright, so I scooted onto the blankets on my knees, turning to greet Spock as he did the same.

“Not the luxurious comfort I would have preferred for you,” Spock said, as he joined me on the blanket. “But most of the creature comforts.”

I lay on the blanket on my back as Spock lowered himself to cover me, his lips descending. “It’s perfect.”

“You are,” he said hoarsely.

I slipped the robe off his shoulders as his mouth slanted over mine. His lips were unexpectedly warm and moist and addicting.

My nose twitched. I pushed at Spock’s shoulders. “Do you smell cigarette smoke?”

Spock went completely still.

Then I heard a loud belch below.

“Are you kidding me?”

Spock slipped off me and I went to the edge of the loft, looking down the ladder.

“ _Sam_?”   

The top of my dumbass brother appeared and then he tilted his head back to peer up at me. “Oh. Hi.”

“What the fuck are you doing?”

“Well.” Sam shrugged. “I couldn’t sleep so I came out for a smoke. Didn’t want it to bother anyone else. What are you doing up there?”

Spock’s head appeared next to mine.

“Oh.” Sam laughed. “Oops.”

“What, are you some kind of peeping tom?” I demanded.

“I swear I didn’t know! I’m going back to the house. Carry on.”

He disappeared.

I flopped down onto the blanket. “We have to get out of Riverside. Before they drive me insane.”

Spock blew out a breath. “Indeed. That was rather…a mood killer.”

“You can say that again.” I grinned. “Sorry, honey.”

He nodded. “As am I. Shall we go back to bed?”

I sighed. “Yeah. Let’s go.”


	11. Come Right Back to You

I was surprised when Sam joined me on the porch early the next morning. Even as kids I was always an early riser, but Sam hadn’t been.

And even more surprised when he handed me another glass of tomato juice. I eyed it with suspicion, much like I eyed him, but he just plopped his way too tall and bulky frame in the chair next to me.

“No coffee?” I asked, clutching my own mug of it. I’d set the glass of tomato juice on the table next to me.

He shrugged. “Trying to give it up.”

“I’ll give it up when I’m dead.”

He stared at me for a moment, silent, but I could see the wheels turning in his head. Or I imagined I could anyway.

“Speaking of.” But he left it like that, and I guessed I was supposed to know the meaning of that, somehow.

I didn’t take the bait. I remained quiet, watching.

Sam sighed. “You’re going to make me ask, huh?”

“Probably.”

“What was it like? Dying?” He shrugged. “Mom told me.”

“About as sucky as you imagine it would be,” I replied. “But I made peace with it.”

“Did you?”

“It was either me or the ship. Full of a lot of crew who deserved to see another day. I’d do it again without hesitation. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one.”

He fell silent again, but it didn’t last. Now that I thought about it, he hardly ever remained quiet or motionless for long.

“Remember when we were kids? Before Frank. It was just you, me, and Mom.”

“Sure I remember.”

“Those were good days,” he said softly. “But then it all went to shit when she met him and then got moved off planet for her job.”

I nodded.

“You were always such a good kid. Never got in trouble for anything.” Sam smiled a little. “Even after Frank came along. It was me he hated.”

“I think he didn’t like me either, I just didn’t matter to him. I was invisible.” I finished my coffee and then reached for the tomato juice. “Until I wasn’t.”

“After I left, I wondered, did he start beating you instead?”

“Would it matter? It didn’t change anything. You still left.”

“Did he?”

“Just the once. After I ditched his car over the cliff.”

“Still can’t believe you did that.”

I snorted. “He couldn’t ignore me anymore. He struck me across the face. Split my lip. That was pretty much it. Then I was sent to Tarsus. By the time that was all done, Mom booted his ass out of our lives for good. She blamed him for making you leave and she blamed him for Tarsus.”

“Well. Frank had a lot of issues and he shared a lot of blame about a lot of things, but to be fair,” Sam said, “he couldn’t have known about Tarsus.”

“Yeah. That’s what he said. He told her it was either send me there or I’d have to go to Juvie. I thought at the time Tarsus would be better.”

Sam reached over and squeezed my leg. “You’ve been through a lot of shit, brother. And I can’t really take any part in it I had back, but what I can do is get Mom, Peter and me out of the house for a couple of days.”

I stared at him. “What?”

He smiled. “As soon as they’re out of bed, we’re out of here. Give you and Spock some time here without any of us. Just a couple of nights. Heading to Des Moines.”

“You are? Since when?”

“Called last night after…well. You know. After I interrupted.” He got out of his chair, long legs unfolding as he stood up. “Don’t get too used to it. We’ll be back before you know it.”

He was at the door when I called to him.

“Hey. Sam?”

“Mm?”

I swallowed around the lump that had formed in my throat. “Aurelan.”

He paused long before saying, “What about her?”

“Do you…” I stopped. I felt foolish. He’d married her obviously. He didn’t talk much about her, but still. It seemed like when my family loved, we loved forever. Mom was an example of that with Dad. And…there was Spock for me. “Do you still think about her?”

Sam sucked in a breath. “Only every day.”

The door closed behind him as he went back into the house.

****

“Aren’t you coming with us—?”

I opened my mouth to answer Peter as he somewhat shyly eyed us.

“Spock?” Peter finished.

I closed my mouth and arched both brows in question.

“Not this time, Peter,” Spock replied. “Perhaps next.”

We stood beside each other, preparing to say goodbye to Mom, Sam, and Peter as they got ready to leave.

“Okay.” And then the small boy hugged Spock, turned, and ran to catch up to Sam, who waited by the hover car.

Mom gave me a sympathetic smile, but wisely said nothing as she hugged me goodbye. “We’ll be back in a couple of days. Don’t burn anything down!”

“I’m a little old for that admonishment.”

“Still.” She hugged me again, whether to make up for Peter, I wasn’t sure. But then she headed to the hover car, too.

I eyed Spock. “Hmm. That kid likes you better than me.”

“I do not believe that to be the case.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Children do seem to find me interesting,” Spock said neutrally.

I turned to him then, absently waving at my departing family. “Do you ever regret not going to New Vulcan to make babies?”

“I do not. However, I did donate biological material.”

I frowned. “You mean sperm.”

His cheeks darkened. “Yes.”

“So,” I said, slowly. “How is that extracted anyway?”

Spock would not look at me. “In the usual way.”

I choked. “So you…”

“ _Yes_.”

I rubbed the back of my neck. “Um. So, what, er, was there anything you used for, er, inspiration?”

“Jim.”

I grinned. “You used me?”

“You are impossible.” But judging how much he blushed now, I guessed I might have been right, though I had meant to tease.

I cleared my throat. “Did they use it? I mean, do you have a child out there or—?”

“I do not know. With a donation like that, instead of direct participation, it is done anonymously. Of course, I was not an ideal candidate. My father was preferred over me.”

“Why?”

“Not being fully Vulcan, any child created will be only three quarters Vulcan.” Spock paused. “I believe the Earth saying is, beggars can’t be choosers, however.”

I thought about that, then nodded. I didn’t like them ever thinking Spock was less in anyway, but it was what it was. “Did you…had you ever thought about having kids with Uhura?”

“Our relationship level never reached the point of that discussion.”

That surprised me. “Really? Because you were together for so long that—”

“Both of us were quite young when we initialized matters between us. Our careers were of more consideration at that point to both of us.”

“Gotcha. Makes sense.” I paused, then began to walk back toward the house, Spock following me. “What about now?”

“Now, Captain?”

I arched my brows at him.

“Jim. Habit.”

“You’re diverting.”

“I would not be opposed to us becoming parents at some point through adoption or surrogacy.”

“Yeah?”

“I admit the thought of a child with fair hair, blue eyes and pointed ears is quite appealing.”

I stopped and looked at him, surprised at how open and soft he looked then. “You _have_ given this some thought.”

Spock nodded. “But I also do not believe there is any rush to see to it. We both have more years of exploration ahead of us. There is time.”

“True.” I blew out a breath. Time to get used to the idea of children. My luck would be I’d have a bunch of kids like Peter who preferred Spock over me. And I couldn’t even blame them. Or Peter. I smiled and tugged him into the house. “Speaking of exploration, you and I need to get seriously busy.”     


End file.
